Sink or Swim
by OfficiallyChristopher
Summary: Credence wanted to hide. He had to hide. He crawled into the suitcase, legs shaking on the ladder and he ran. He ran past all the creatures, his stomach churning, chest tight, tears streaming down his face. He couldn't tell where to screams were coming from, if they were even real, until he realized they were coming from him.


**Based on the song Sink or Swim by Lewis Watson**

 **Contains elements of child abuse, rape, flashbacks, domestic abuse, and PTSD**

 _Sink or swim, hold your breath and just dive right in._

 _Ride the wave, just ride the wave far from where we came._

It was dark. It always felt dark to Credence. The sun could never touch his soul in this permanent darkness that clouded him. He was tired, so so tired, but he didn't want to sleep. He never wanted to sleep. Sleep scared him. He was vulnerable when he slept. His mind flooded his dreams with terrors. But these weren't just dreams. They were too real. To other people they might be dreams. Other people can recover. To him the monsters are real. The monsters under his bed, with thick black tendrils and sharp gnashing teeth, gently calling him to them. He shivered. It was cold on the boat. Was it? He saw Newt, and he seemed rather warm. Newt always seems warm though. Far too warm for him. Credence wished he could be that warm. Maybe then his mother would've loved him.

 _Don't be scared, who cares if we lose again'_  
 _Let it out; don't let doubt ever have it's stay._

He was too cold for anyone to love him. He deserved so much worse. He deserved to die with the obscurus. Tears trickled from his eyes, wetting his cheeks. Credence quickly wiped them away. What if Newt saw him crying like this? Like a child. He'd probably hate him. He probably already does. He probably can't wait til he can get off this ship and leave him. Maybe that'd be for the best. He wouldn't want to take any of that warmth. He's been so kind. Why is he so kind? Why can't he just be like everyone else? Why did he want Credence around? He hasn't hurt him. He didn't want him like Graves had wanted him. So what the hell was he trying to do? Why does he care?

 _Down and out, don't throw the towel we can win this race._

His thoughts were interrupted by the couple in the room neighboring theirs.

"Darling, I swear, it was nothing!"

"Nothing? I read the letters! I saw you looking at her! I saw you!"

"Why were you going through my things?"

The man's tone had changed. He was no longer sorry, he was angry.

"They were on the desk."

She was scared now.

"That's my fucking desk, I told you not to go through it."

"I wasn't go..."

She screamed. A smack resonated through the wall. Credence was shaking. This didn't sound like a typical couples spat. The man sounded furious, deadly. Credence felt sick. The room was spinning. He had to help her. He did the only thing he knew how. He got Newt. He banged on the suitcase until the curly haired man popped out.

"You knocked?" He chirped. He turned to face Credence. "Credence, what's wrong? What happened?"

There was a knot in Credence's throat. He pointed at the wall connecting their room to the couple's.

"Fighting...help her." He croaked out. Newt nodded and rushed out of his suitcase.

"I'll be back for you, don't worry!" He shouted as he rushed out.

 _Don't be scared, who cares if we lose again'_  
 _I'll be there; I'll be there with you till the end_

Credence wanted to hide. He had to hide. He crawled into the suitcase, legs shaking on the ladder and he ran. He ran past all the creatures, his stomach churning, chest tight, tears streaming down his face. He couldn't tell where to screams were coming from, if they were even real, until he realized they were coming from him. He ran and ran until his legs gave up, sending him crashing to the ground. He didn't know where he was, but he didn't care. He scrambled under a rock, trembling with fear. He was breathing quick but it seemed like none of it was reaching his lungs. Sobs racked his body, though he tried his hardest to silence them. He had never felt colder. The world around was spinning, the rock a roller coaster that no longer felt real.

 _I know I'll be holding onto you for dear life,  
Holding onto you for dear life I will._

His back stung and he could feel wet blood seeping into his clothes. The belt ripped into his skin once again.

"Stop crying and look at me, boy!" She screamed, another lash in his skin, more blood, more pain. Credence quivered under his rock, squeezing his eyes shut. This isn't real. This can't be real. He was going to open his eyes and be safe under his rock in Newt's suitcase. He forced his eyes open and she was right there, standing over him with a belt in hand. He can't remember when he last felt so small, so helpless, so afraid.

"I am your mother now. I don't care that your old mother got you a dog. I am not getting you so much as a rock. You are under my roof, and under my roof you will be grateful for what you're given, whether it's dinner or a lashing, do you understand me."

Credence nodded. He wanted it to go away. He wanted this to end. He wanted someone to save him. He knew no one would. No one could save him then. No one will save him now.

He thought Mary Lou was done with him, until the belt slammed back done against his back. He screamed without thinking. He knew was in for it now. He was supposed to remain silent through beatings. He was supposed to obey.

"What was that, boy?"

"I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry." Credence begged, cowering further away from her. He knew it was over. No amount of sorry's could stop her. The belt tore down lashing against his skin.

"You filthy, disgusting, worthless, ungrateful rat!"

Every word was emphasized with the sound of a belt tearing down. He didn't about being silent anymore. Nothing would save him. He screamed for mercy, knowing it would never come. Tears streamed down his cheeks, wetting the dirt beneath him.

 _You know, I'll be holding onto you for dear life,_  
 _Holding onto you for dear life I will_

"Credence" His voice tore Mary Lou away from him, healed the wounds covering his body.

"Credence, love, I'll save you." Graves called out to him. His rough hands felt soft on his tear streaked face. Credence leaned into the touch, wanting more. He never wanted him to stop. Never wanted him to leave him.

"I promise, nothing will ever hurt you, just do this one thing for me." Graves promised, taking his hand away from Credence. Credence mourned for a second his loving touch, but he knew more were to come.

"Anything. I'll do anything for you." Credence swore, craving more from Graves. Wanting to just be loved.

 _Sing to me; make me feel like the only one._  
 _Bring to me, and I'll bring to you everything you want._

"Follow me." Graves grabbed his arm and apparated both of them to a bedroom. Credence looked around confused. Graves smiled, slamming Credence onto the bed. He began stripping the boy with hunger in his eyes. Credence panicked and tried pushing Graves off of him. Graves muttered something and suddenly he couldn't move.

"What are you doing?" Credence asked, terrified.

"You said, you'd do anything, right? Shut up and let me do this." Graves commanded, cursing Credence's mouth shut. Credence tried to scream but no sounds came out. Tears welled in his eyes as Graves forced himself inside Credence. He didn't want this. This wasn't what he was thinking when he said anything. Oh, if his mother found out. Actually, his mother might be gentler. At least with his mother he could choose to scream. He tried to disappear to return to a place when Graves was only his friend, when things were easy. When it wasn't like this. But there is nowhere to go that doesn't hurt. Nowhere but here. It felt like it would never end. He just wanted it to end.

And the worst part, no matter how much it hurt, he was enjoying it. In the most twisted, disgusting sort of way, he enjoyed this. Someone finally loved him enough to be with him so intimately. He knew this was the only way anyone would ever love him.

 _Don't be scared, no who cares if we lose again._  
 _I'll be there no, I'll be there with you till the end_

Newt was running through the multiple terrains of his suitcase, searching desperately for the boy. He had heard screaming from far away, it sounded more like a wounded animal than a boy. Now he hears begging mingled into the screams.

"Stop it! No! Stop!" It echoes through the vast expanse of the suitcase. Why'd he have to make this thing so damn massive?

He could tell he was getting closer, the screams were getting louder, clearer, more heartbreaking.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" It was so close now. So clear. So broken.

He dashed into a nearby cave, certain the sounds were coming from . Sure enough, there Credence was, shivering under a rock, screaming at some invisible monster. Newt rushed to him. He reached out to him, to touch his face. His eyes shot open and he jumped back away from Newt, hitting his head on a rock. Credence knew Newt must be angry. Oh, he did so many horrible things. He should've stayed put, he should've stayed quiet. Oh god, he made Newt walk away from his work. And here he was crying like an idiot, and he hadn't even realized he'd wet himself like a toddler, he's made such a mess, surely Newt was furious. Newt hates him now, he must. He's going to leave him as soon as they make it to England. He might just throw him off the boat now. That's what he deserves. He lowered his head, avoiding looking at Newt. He couldn't stand to see how enraged he probably was.

"I-I'm sorry, sir. I di-didn't mean to..I'm so sorry, sir." Credence apologized, biting his lip to prevent more tears from forming.

 _And I know I'll be holding onto you for dear life,_  
 _Holding onto you for dear life I will_

The silence after that was more than he could stand. He wanted to run further away, to make sure he got out of Newt's life as soon as possible. Newt deserved someone warm like him, but instead he got stuck with cold, cold Credence. He couldn't run. He was weak, now that his fears had destroyed him. He sat on that ground, dreading what came next, trying to stop his body from shaking. He dared to look at Newt and saw he was...crying? Why was he crying? Isn't he angry? Do people cry when they're angry?

"Why-why are you crying, sir?" Credence whispered, expecting a slap, but anything would be better than this painful silence.

"I'm so sorry, Credence." Newt said, reaching out to touch the boy's face. Credence flinched instinctively, causing Newt to pause. Realizing that Newt didn't want to hurt him, Credence leaned forward and let him touch him. Newt cradled the boy in his arms as Credence broke down and cried into his neck.

"You deserve so much better, Credence. I wish I could've saved you sooner."

Credence's sobs rippled through his body as he clung to Newt, digging his fingers into the cloth of his shirt. Everything came crashing down in Newt's arms and he wasn't going to try and stop it.

"It's okay." Newt cooed, "You're safe now. I promise."


End file.
